My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
I am a 46 year-old, divorced white male, single full-time father of three, with a PhD and a professional job.
I suffer from borderline personality disorder.
My therapist suggested that I try to share my experiences with others to help them understand what is going on inside the head of a person with BPD. He said this should help me understand my own disorder.
Here is my story:
My father left when I was five years old, and married another woman while still married to my mother. Up until the time that he left, my dad was my best friend. As my mother and I pulled out of the driveway to go visit my grandparents one day, my dad promised that he would pick me up. He never did.
My stepfather, who my mother married when I was nine, was an abusive, and controlling. He controlled every aspect of my life and I never did anything good enough. He was always telling me that I would never amount to crap.
I left home at age 17, I have been through 5 marriages and numerous committed relationships. I ended each and every relationship, and no matter how good the relationship was. I loved them all deeply at first. I then came to despise them, but I wanted them to love me.
I am an exceptionally impulsive individual. I jump in and out of relationships. If I want to do or say something, I typically do or say it without any regard for the consequences. If I have something on my mind, it controls and engulfs me until I act upon it; I get no relief until I do.
It is like I push the limits of all relationships; lovers, friends, and co-workers/employers. I thrive on the drama of it all. After reeling people in, I want them to feel sorry for me and work to try to make me happy. I want them to stop worrying about their problems and/or responsibilities and concentrate on me. However, I am actually sabotaging these relationships because there is only so much people can take.
I go for the online dating thing when a relationship ends. I really don't have the desire for sex. For me, it is a kind of compulsive behavior were I try to seek the affection and, hence, validation from someone else.
Although my children live with me, I absolutely despise being alone and having no adult female around that loves me. However, I view everyone I know as either all good or all evil. When they do something good, I love them; when they do something I think is bad, I see them as evil, and I hold a grudge. At the same time, I trust no one. I feel like everyone has an ulterior motive.
The thing I hate the most is being criticized because I try to do everything right.
When things don't go as planned or I am interrupted in my thought process, I have bouts of inappropriate anger. I have gone off on my kids to the point that I scared them. To this day, even as teens, do pretty much everything I say without question. This attitude came about because they wanted peace and my love and this is the price they pay for it.
I also experience mood swings. One minute I am happy or content. The next minute I am depressed or mad. It is like I am bored with contentment and I seek excitement whether it is positive or negative. I also flee stressful situations.
Finally, I have no clue as to who or what I am and I experience intense feeling of emptiness. I feel like I am just faking it as I go through life. I have experimented with many lifestyles, and still don't know who or what I really am.
I hope my sharing can be of help to all of us. Please do not take anything that I may say personally.