PERSPECTIVES: Why we are attracted to a pwBPD

[StreetSmart]

'Been pondering this fer awhile...and now after almost a year of posting myself, plus another three months of reading posts...I have come to the following synthesis gleaned from all of the posts of what the BPD  meant to us, what hooked us, why we still can cling...


1. We had dull/boring/routine lives:

The BPD filled our life with excitement/adventure, great sex, promise of exciting future...they provide the "spark" in otherwise dull, listless lives that had developed into a sense of complacency/ennui

2. We were in transition:

The BPD caught us at a weak point..in transition (I know it was for me) between relationships, divorce, some stressful event (like loss of job, legal battles over divorce/custody, etc.)

3. We lacked meaning/sense of accomplishment in our lives:

The BPD became our chance to "do good" by rescuing them/using them as a project to gain a sense of personal self-worth and achievement

4. We needed to prove that our feelings were worth something/we were worth something

The BPD relationship became the gameboard by which our "love" was going to fix/cure them and by that means validate the worthiness of us/our feelings

5. We were in a desperate position

The BPD was gonna save us from a life of loneliness..particularly vulnerable were single mothers (what man wants an instant family along with problems of ex's and children that are not his?) and men in their late twenties or over thirty who are not married (somebody values my manhood...validates sense of self-worth)


Thus, I believe we cling to them so much, put up with so much, miss them so much /'cause they represent a solution, hitherto unknown, to one or more of the issues outlined above...
  
    

[JoannaK]

6.  We were in some kind of substance recovery, and the bpd felt like a "substance" within us... gave us the high that a person used to get from the substance.

7.  We felt comfortable in the chaos, as we came from difficult Families of Origins.

8.  We had a weak self-esteem in some respect, and the initial adoration of the bpd/npd type made us feel special.

[schnitzel]

9. We were trying to heal our childhood trauma via a surrogate today - trying to make our mother/father loving in the form of our BPD spouse... which is called: repetition compulsion.

[StreetSmart]

Dear JK/Schnitz:

Very good ladies...

You picked up on one of the most quintessential pieces I have repeatedly seen (particularly with the ladies who post here)..a dysfunctional/abusive family of origin...particularly abusive/absentee fathers...

Then the impetus to "fix" the broken father figure and thus validate our feelings/love come into play...

It also leads us to cling as when the BPD does not reciprocate..then we feel that we are not doing enuff and/or our love is not good enuff asnd need to do more/try harder...

[LAPDR]

10. We tried to be the good spouse so hard we enabled them and endured their bad behavior hoping to appear normal to others.

[schnitzel]

You picked up on one of the most quintessential pieces I have repeatedly seen (particularly with the ladies who post here)..a dysfunctional/abusive family of origin...particularly abusive/absentee fathers...

Then the impetus to "fix" the broken father figure and thus validate our feelings/love come into play...

You mean there are no guys here trying to fix their abusive/absentee mothers?  ?

[shay]

I read Many Lives Many Masters...
Just the title called to me...what brought me to this place inside myself, self awareness is my relationship with the BPD.  What I was missing and for that, after all the months of PAIN, i am thankful.  My journey to what I bring to the table in a relationship is now different then 3 years ago- and my awakening to my needs- how else can you explain ignoring red flags of the adoration- WTH was I missing ?  I knew it was bizarre- but I liked it.. DUH.  So when I do see my BPD, i will hug her,, thank her and be forever grateful.

[StreetSmart]

I see the soultion to this problem as:

Build a life that someone would wanna buy tickets to be you (if they knew the whole story)...

I believe that one must FIRST build an exciting Qual life, then add to it...our mistake was to look for that other (BPD) person to be the keystone in the foundation of our life...That they would provide the "spark" , centerpiece, main focus for our lives...

In which case, using them as a foundation means we go down faster than the World Trade Center...


Street

[JoannaK]

I believe that one must FIRST build an exciting Qual life, then add to it...our mistake was to look for that other (BPD) person to be the keystone in the foundation of our life...That they would provide the "spark" , centerpiece, main focus for our lives...

I do wonder how often this is true, SS.  I do wonder how many here are looking to others for excitement... or merely think that they themselves aren't exciting, so it's up to someone else to provide some pizazz to their lives.  Some may not think they have a quality exciting life even though their life really is fine... that's where the self-esteem issue... or the addiction issue may kick in.

Build a life that someone would wanna buy tickets to be you (if they knew the whole story)... 

To some extent this would be true, but, as I mentioned above, many of us actually have that kind of life right now.. but we don't think we do.  We devalue ourselves and our accomplishments, perhaps we devalue our friends and other lovers, partners, spouses (either current or former), and, in so doing, we look to the unknown "other" so that we can "have fun"/"be exciting", etc.

[StreetSmart]

Dear JK:

Yes, I think you are right about some havin' that kinda life...but it is easy to get lulled into a sense of complacency...the BPD "firecracker" be a lightbulb to us moths...

But in reality, I believe it is US who powers the relationship without realizing it...thus the BPD feeds off of our energies...which means that any cool in the relationship really derives from us...NOT them...

[LAPDR]

Sometimes I view them as a parasitic leech, they suck on to somebody for the ride that will give them what they need at the moment and stay sucked on when another need comes up and just can't let go, so we end up on a crazy rollercoaster ride again and again as their needs change.

[renaissance]

perhaps those initial feelings of 'excitement' street are simply a 'flooding' of mood-enhancing hormones/endorphins, which according to some scientists, appear to accompany the experience of 'falling in love' in a powerful correlation. it is an exciting feeling...and obviously most all of us here - and everywhere - are not immune to their reinforcing effects. where our relationship goes after those 'effects' begin to where it will eventually wind up depends next upon our own inter and extra-personal dynamics, separately and together as a couple.

[StreetSmart]

But I submit...the vulnerability in the Non must be present...like a need for an adrenal high after a life of boredom or non excitement that the BPD supplies...

It takes two to Tango...

[JoannaK]

perhaps those initial feelings of 'excitement' street are simply a 'flooding' of mood-enhancing hormones/endorphins, which according to some scientists, appear to accompany the experience of 'falling in love' in a powerful correlation

Yes, that's true, renaissance, but we need to ponder why so many "fall in love" (mood-enhancing hormones and endorphins kicking in) with someone clearly unsuitable and/or abusive...   while the kinder, more loving, more caring, more suitable person is overlooked and does not stimulate those kinds of mood-enhancing hormones and endorphins.

(I crossed with SS.)

[schnitzel]

I believe that one must FIRST build an exciting Qual life,

Or maybe a life that we just feel comfortable living. We shouldnt need to be some kind of spectacular and "exciting" in order to attract a mate. In fact- if that is what it takes - then we will be attracting a lot of PDs, because they thrive on "spectacular" and "exciting".
I had a girlfriend who was really spectacular looking. She was a model, of course. She told me that with her looks, she attracted the biggest a@@holes in the world. They were mostly guys who were looking for arm candy. They all thought (hoped?) she was dumb. She had the hardest time finding someone who could love her for her inner self.
Course it isnt bad to attract potential mates and to give ourselves a choice, but then we still have to chose, and hopefully it will be someone who is emotionally stable and mature. For that, we have to be so, ourselves.

[Ave Marina]

Hi gang,
Let me jump in here for a sec. First and foremost, I definately wasn't in it for the high or the adrenalin rush. Believe me. I met a guy who was very handsome, extremely so. He was very charming and intelligent. The attraction was instant. He was 9 yrs. my junior, so I felt flattered that a younger man was interested in me. Ultimately he moved in. We were in the honeymoon phase for two months. By that time we became enmeshed. Little by little the prince charming mask started to melt. In my case, I blame vulnerability. He blindsighted me. I was in love, and held on to the dream that I had found my one and only. Whenever he became upset, somehow it always turned out to be "my fault" according to him. I started wondering what I could have possibly done to upset such a wonderful guy. From the beginning of our relationship, he talked often about his abusive childhood at the hands of a mentally ill father. I always felt a degree of compassion for him. He would talk about how his father told him from the time he was old enough to understand that he was unloved, and unwanted. In my opinion that explained his angry outbursts. I took it upon myself to show him that he was indeed loved. I loved him unconditionally, and showered him with love and attention. I did all I could do to make him happy. When the rages started, I was completely baffled. The least little thing set him off. He would be over it by the next day. We would be back to a normal life with a lot of love, and caring. This was our cycle. My mistaken belief was that each time would be the last time. I thought that I could love him out of this behavior. I would forgive him each time. During the good times, he was the absolute best. He treated me like a queen. He showered me with love, and affection. Sometimes we would hold each other, and cry because we felt such a strong emotional connection. Why was I attracted to him?  I was in love with this man. BPD was not in the picture at the time. I didn't even know what BPD was.
I was determined to make it work no matter what it took. I soon found the old "Nook" and learned that judging by his symptoms, that he was suffering from BPD. I gave it my all for over three years. I realized that my best wasn't good enough. We are no longer in each others lives. I have learned much from this experience. I think that we are all vulnerable to falling in love with someone who has BPD regardless of our upbringing or short comings. I was a very normal and sane individual before he came into my life.

Ave

[Vincent]

Of course my xgf idolized me, filled my lack of self esteem,and had me feel loved and cared for as never before.

But, was it essentially what hooked me for good ?

actually...No.

What hooked me from the start was her way to marvel at things. her freshness. You know, the freshness all kids have and that vanishes with time (well she WAS a kid deep down...But I didn't know).

She was extremely smart, witty, intelligent, talented and intuitive.

She had her own artistic universe. An artistic vision of things. I loved it.

And on top of this, she was sooooo funny. No one ever made me laugh this way. I felt just so good. We would finish each other's sentences all the time. We had the same humor. 

This hooked me. The idealization came later on, as did the incredible sex, when we evolved from close friends to lovers.  But I was ALREADY in love with her by that time.

Of course, I didn't expect that the smart independent sweet woman would turn into a selfish immature gaslighting butt in the blink of an eye...

[StreetSmart]

Dear Ave/Vincent:

I think still that the adrenal rush still operates in both your scenarios as a means to hook one into being with them...

There seems to always be some kinda intensity involved...whether it be physical attraction/heightened sense of compatability/or marveling at their "freshness" all of these (and more) features represent adrenal highs...

Just in different manifestations... 



Street

[JoannaK]

I think it would be interesting for people pondering this to see how differently they feel a year out of the relationship with the bpd person vs. how they feel a couple of months out.  Many people are still idolizing the bpd soon after they have left.

[veryconfused]

11.  We believed in the fairy tale, the greatest love story ever, the uniqueness of the connection...and this is a major reason we didn't leave when we saw things weren't right and why we kept trying over and over again.  All of the media's and societies lessons:  True love only happens once in a lifetime, Never give up on a love that's worth fighting for...