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Are You Experiencing These Feelings?
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This Is My Story: June 20, 2006, 11:03:49 AM
I am a 44 year-old, divorced white male, single full-time father of two, with a master's degree and a professional job, and I suffer from borderline personality disorder. Since I like to blog about what is going on with me, my therapist suggested that I try to share my experiences with others to try to help them understand what is going on inside a person with BPD, and this would help me understand my own disorder. So, I created a blog entitled Confession of a man suffering from BPD. Here is my story:
My father left when I was four years old, and married another woman while still married to my mother. Up until he left when I was four years old, my dad was my best friend. As my mother and I pulled out of the driveway to go visit my grandparents one day, my dad promised that he would pick me up. But, he never did.
... My stepfather, who my mother married when I was nine, was an abusive, control freak... He emotionally abused me partly by controlling every little aspect of my life, and of course I never did anything good enough, and partly by always telling me that I would never amount to crap on an almost daily basis.
Since I left home at age 17, I have been through 5 marriages and numerous committed relationships. I ended each and every relationship, and no matter how good the relationship was. I loved them all deeply at first. I then came to despise them, but I wanted them to love me.
I am an exceptionally impulsive individual. I jump in and out of relationships. If I WANT to do or say something, I typically do or say it without any regard for the consequences. If I have something on my mind, it controls and engulfs me until I act upon it; I get no relief until I do.
It is like I push the limits of all relationships; lovers, friends, and co-workers/employers. I thrive on the drama of it all. After reeling people in, I want them to feel sorry for me and work to try to make me happy. I want them to stop worrying about their problems and/or responsibilities and concentrate on me. However, I am actually sabotaging these relationships because there is only so much people can take.
I go for the online dating thing when a relationship ends. I really don't have the desire for sex. For me, this is some kind of compulsive behavior were I try to seek the affection and, hence, validation from someone else.
Although my children live with me, I absolutely despise being alone and having no adult female around that loves me. However, I view everyone I know as either all good or all evil. When they do something good, I love them; when they do something I think is bad, I see them as evil, and I hold a grudge. At the same time, I trust no one. I feel like everyone has an ulterior motive. And, the thing I hate the most is being criticized because I try to do everything right.
When things don't go as planned or I am interrupted in my thought process, I have bouts of inappropriate anger....I have gone off on my kids to the point that I scared the crap out of them. To this day, even as teens, do pretty much everythinng I say without question. This attitude came about because they wanted peace and my love and this is the price they pay for it.
I also experience mood swings. One minute I am happy or content. The next minute I am depressed or mad. It is like I am bored with contentment and I seek excitement whether it is positive or negative. I also flee stressful situations.
Finally, I have no clue as to who or what I am and I experience intense feeling of emptiness. I feel like I am just faking it as I go through life. I have experimented with many lifestyles, and still don't know who or what I really am.
I hope my sharing can be of help to all of us. Please do not take anything that I may say personally.
Bless,
Jerry
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Do you feel that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you?
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Do you find yourself concealing what you think or feelings to avoid horrible arguments?
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Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages, alternating with periods when the other person acts perfectly normal and loving?
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Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or even lied to?
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Are you accused of things you never did or said?
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Do your feel as if someone alternately views you as all good or all bad?
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Does no one believe you when you explain that this is going on?
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If your answered "yes" to any of these questions, someone you care about may have BPD. For anyone close to a Borderline, life takes place on tiptoes, as if they're walking in eggshells.
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Does The Other Person Exhibit The Following?
Does this person:
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Have extreme moodiness that cycles very quickly (in minutes or hours)?
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Have difficulty managing their emotions?
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Feel emotions so intensely that it's difficult to put others' needs-even those of their own children-ahead of their own?
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Feel distrustful and suspicious a great deal of the time?
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Feel anxious or irritable a great deal of the time?
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Feel empty or like they have no self a great deal of the time?
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Feel ignored when they are not the focus of attention?
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Express anger inappropriately or have difficulty expressing anger at all?
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Feel that they never can get enough love, affection, or attention?
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Frequently feel spacey, unreal, or out of it?
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Feel abandoned at the slightest provocation?
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Randi Kreger is an author and freelance writer specializing in borderline personality disorder.
Kreger sponsors several non-BP Internet discussion groups and maintains a Web site about the disorder (www.BPDCentral.com).
Kreger is the co-author of Stop Walking on Eggshells, and The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook. Kreger is the co-author of two booklets about BPD, Love and Loathing: Protecting Your Mental Health and Legal Rights When Your Partner has BPD and Hope for Parents: Helping Your Borderline Son or Daughter Without Sacrificing Your Family Or Yourself, both published in 1999 by Kreger's Eggshells Press.
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