I am so sad. I am now 16 days out. I was here about 5 1/2 months ago and thought I was through with him. But... you know the drill. 4 months back in and here I am again (different name). Things had improved so much. He had been working and hadn't been raging at me too much, but the neediness, jealousy, constant unhappiness with how I was communicating (how can anyone communicate when they're terrified of what will happen if they do?), etc., etc., etc. There was ALWAYS something wrong. Life was one big therapy session and forced 'love'. Things were improving, but I knew, I knew... Even when things seem to be improving, you can just sense it is 'right there' waiting to come out, building...
Then, for the first time, he RAGED at my son. It was like he was transferring his rage to my son instead of me. Both my son and I thought it could escalate into a physical confrontation-it was so vein popping. It was the last straw. How could that ever be repaired? He had 'cared' what my son thought of him before so kept it pretty much in control around him. When I saw that happening, I thought "This will never end; you will never know when he will explode; years from now, I would still be scared; my elderly parents in the future? grandchildren? who knows who would get the brunt of it?".
As soon as we broke up I joined a Divorce Recovery class. They admit people in the class other than divorcing or divorced since the book used is Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends.
Anyway, I really think this class is helping me and I thought others might be interested in joining one. Churches hold different kinds, religious and secular. The first chapter is Denial. Denying it is really over by continuing to invest emotionally in a dead relationship. Ring a bell anyone?
Don't be sad. You are on you way to something so much better. I, for one, am happy for you.
I inhabit the land of denial--its very close to the land of 'fear.' And I KNOW the path out is there, I just can't see it. That's what makes me sad...(It's all about faith, right?)
If you don't mind me going slightly off subject--your comment about communicating rang a VERY LOUD bell for me. I might continue this post elsewhere, if anyone is interested. I heard that comment SO much for the first 5 years of my marriage. I read books, I tried self help excercises--that's what got me into counseling...thinking something was wrong with me
. He made me terrified to talk to him about anything possibly controversial. We couldn't even talk about a movie without him making a comment about my thoughts being stupid, or my being a darn fool. Oh my gosh...those memories are still painful.